the F States of America

Frecuently I used to discuse with a old friend, becaus I used to say that I would never be with someone, less fall in love and be loved. It doesn't make me feel sadder, I thought it was natural and perfectly acceptable have a life without lovers or love. She didn't share the same opinion, she used to tell me that it was imposible to know so strongly my destiny in emotional issues.

Previously on EFFYMINE: If nobody loves you, or hates you, or knows you, you become invisible, and you are alone. // The woman is divided and must struggle with the distortion between her existence and her representation. // The love, the time, nothing of that exist, they are representations. // Since when Elizabeth exist? When does she stop existing? // She knows the danger, the terrible thing.... // Elizabeth observes hidden behing that person wich the other speak to and think it's her. // Do not believe everything you are used to, neither Elizabeth nor the truth is so obvious.

Today, Episode nº10: Walking to the real world. (the F States of America.)

A lot of parallel worlds exist: only one is the real one (maybe we don't know it), infinite are the others, the inner worlds. Buf if Elizabeth is in love in one of those worlds, in wich one will she be happy? in wich one will she be corresponded? She knows that the love doesn't exist, but she can't help it. Mr H doesn't imagine it, the imagination isn't enough. He can intuit, he may suspect, but he doesn't know it, much less understand it. Elizabeth loves him without his permission.
They see each other. She is already used to control her impulses, she gets upset if she doesn't control herself. She gets sad, gets worry for any neglect, any word that puts her in evidence. She feels jealous. Her stomach shrinks everytime she sees a girl get close to him. She wants her happiness, and she doesn't imagine any woman able of give it to him. Why she doesn't tell him? Why she doesn't try? Because Elizabeth knows that she neither can make him happy, despite being that her biggest wish.
When they aren't together, when she walks to her home, she imagines he is waiting on the door to surprise her. She does not imagine any logical reason for that to happen, but for a moment, before she get there, her heart beats stronger. No, it is imposible. She gets sad when she walk through the door and find out that her fantasies are only that, but after she feels better of having such imagination.
When they are together, and she promises do not say a word to him, contain herself, she travels with her imagination to imposible worlds where he is happy with her, where they share a bad movie, lying in the bed without the need for touching to know that they have them, and they live without expect the approval of the others to love each other.
Then, with the same imagination she uses to get unreachable memories, she travels to a world that turns more and more realistic, where she does not see him anymore, where Elizabeth looks out by the window and looks in direction of where Mr H supposedly is according to the time of the day... and she'll miss him. So Elizabeth fears and cries, because she is in the way to that real world, and she knows that she will lose him.

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There are too many questions, There is not one solution
There is no resurrection, There is so much confusion

And the love profusion You make me feel, You make me know
And the love vibration You make me feel, You make it shine
There are too many options, There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions, What I want is an explanation
I got you under my skin

There is no comprehension, There is real isolation
There is so much destruction, What I want is a celebrationAnd I know I can feel bad, When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad, Only you make me feel good

 I got you under my skin

"LOVE PROFUSION" - MADONNA