XXF

My first kiss with the mouth open was when I was 4. I shared the bed with another person when I was 7. My first box of cigarettes was when I was 9. My vision of the world was this: I would die vigin before my 20th birthday. They didn't let me.

I recommend you to read again the episode 1x01 (pilote) before read this one.

Today, Episode nº14: Initial re-presentation. (XXF)

There's a woman that is divided between her existence and her concept (like everyone) the problem is the big distortion between her and her representation. Let's talk about her: her name is Elizabeth. She She is living in Argentina, but she was born in Israel. Something that she likes is to wRite, and something that she dislike is the lying. She doesn't believe in love, but she is in love. Doesn't believe in the time, but she looks at the watch. Everyday she wakes up at a different time of the rest of the world, opens her closet and wears clothes of man. Just wearing like a man she feels the approval of the world, so dressed like a man she faces another day, always, since always. On the street nobody imagine that she could be called Elizabeth. Mr H neither knows it. She, who dislikes the lying, who know how hurtfull it could be, everyday plays a lying.

She tries to avoid affirmations about herself that contradict her truth. But even if she can avoid the lying with the words, she acts. From 10 am to 10 pm she is an actress, a perfect actress that make a play about a boy a little girlish who has a male name. And just like her day was a lie, also was her previous day, and the previous to that, and her life, and her first kiss, and the first person who said to love her. To who that person loved if that person didn't know that under all those clothes, under that skin, there was a frail woman that didn't dare to be herself?

Elizabeth can't take it anymore, but not now, never!, she never could. She did it because she was raised that way, since she was little they taught her to be ashamed of being a woman, to feel wrong for wanted to play with dolls, to feel ridiculous for being girly. In a world where the secret of Elizabeth should be that she was born with a penis, that's not her secret, everybody knows about her penis, therefor the secret is that she is a woman, that her name is Elizabeth. In this world, divided and multiplied, with inner worlds and complex relations, and wrong concepts, a woman was transformed to be her own secret.

Do you understand how terrible is that? A person became a secret for the world, for her parents, for her friends, for her lovers, until becomes a day that it is so secret her true identity that her existence  is in danger, and she needs to scream: "I do exist!"
That's how Elizabeth tried to kill herself and confirm it... nobody knew she was alive until that moment.

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