Episode 2

The self-deception

You're going to end making yourself a whore. You're going to take drugs to withstand the penetration of the strangers. You're going to be miserable. You're going to deforme your face in search of a beauty that get lost. You're going to be alone. You're going to wish to die and you'll not have the corage to kill youself. You're going to withstand the violence, the life that you have because you want it that way. Nobody will love you, neither you. You're going to transform in a cheap show that you will prefer to ignore to, and you will want to denay that this is happing to you.
And if you refuse to end like this, you'll die of hunger.
Elizabeth, if you really are going to be Elizabeth, that's your future, so shut up and keep sucking.

Today, Episode nº24: Abstract from April to July: "THE SELF-DECEPTION"

When the secret of Elizabeth stop being a secret, going to work and back again to keep it secret turned more unbearable each day. Her boss gave her a woman's perfume for her birthday, but he still treated her like a man. Mr H was still there, and all her emotions of love turned to a fateful hopelessness.
The only thing that muffled the misery was that Elizabeth found a new space where she could be herself: the university. In the classes, with her dark voice, and her male look, at the time of presentation she said loud her true name (that one that isn't in her ID yet), and she didn't was not repressed in anyway. Sometimes she was afraid but she did it... she hated herself if she lied.
She had long hair, and Mr H asked for the third time if it wasn't time of get it shorter. At work she started to hide it. With the time the hormones made several changes at her body.
The work was bear with the art, also with see each less to Mr H, bur one morning they were in the same space and shared something.
Elizabeth wanted to cry, ans she hid her face for him to not see her tears. She asked him to hug her, and he hugged her, and all that love that she believed overcome came back to crush her, to impulse her, to make her happy and sad.
How long would she bear this situation? Why doesn't she leave that place, so she can stop seeing him, and starts to live that life that she discovered it was always of her? Because if you go now, how will you keep paying your treatment? How will you bear the costs of the university? There's just one way.
Elizabeth knows that there's just one way to do good money if she start to work with her female name, with her condition of woman, with her truth, with her being transexual. So, as she doesn't want to, she doesn't leave, because Elizabeth is coward, she has no courage, and she hates herself for that, and hates everyone who is accomplice of her cowardice, those whom do not push her to be brave.
But well, being herself three days in the week isn't so bad after all. Elizabeth cross-dresses to man the other four, in moments it results funny, being a transexual woman who at the same time is a cross-dresser... it's a confusing game, or it seems a game.
It is so easy to deception herself!
If she is not leaving the reason is simple, she is not ready to quit to what she hasn't with Mr H.

Go to the next episode: "The threat"


It's a cruel cruel world, to face on your own,
A heavy cross, to carry alone, 
The lights are on, but everyone's gone,
And it's cruel
(...)
We can play it safe, or play it cool,
follow the leader, or make up all the rules, 
whatever you want, the choice is yours,
So choose,